Last week while furiously peeling potatoes, simultaneously trying not to gore myself with the peeler or drop a starchy, slippery mass down the garbage disposal, I suddenly had a bizarre sort of desperate thought: “I will be grocery shopping for the rest of my life. I will use up these potatoes and have to go back to the store, and I will need to grocery shop forever.”
Well, duh. It’s not the deepest, most philosophical ponderence known to man, but in that moment, I wondered: “How many other things will I have to do — forever??”
So I decided to make a list. I exempted any and all bodily functions and things that are essential to life itself [i.e., eating, drinking, breathing, using shelter, using the potty, etc.], and here’s what I came up with:
5 Things You Can’t Quit
1. Clipping Fingernails/Cutting Hair. OK. If you’re Lee Redmond and you enjoy looking like THIS [see right], you might argue against fingernail clipping, but I’d argue right back that you’re bonkers. And gross.
2. Using Money. Yes, it’s true: money, the proverbial root of all evil, is a necessity. And while you may pine for the days of yore when trading glass beads and animal furs was the way to do business, we’ll ever see those days again. And really, a pile of animal furs wouldn’t fit in your wallet even if you could get them past the PETA demonstrators.
3. Grocery Shopping. All of you who have just finished reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle are ready to send me pointed letters of disagreement [please, do!], however, I would argue that while you may raise your own chicken, pork or beef, and while you may have a garden the size of Delaware, there are some things that you will need to get at the store:
- salt, pepper, spices [don’t even try to tell me you’re going to grow your own cinnamon]
- COKE!! coffee, OJ
- toilet paper and other “feminine” needs [if you go back to pioneer days — well, see note on Lee Redmond. Bonkers. Gross.]
4. Taking Out The Trash/Recycling: Again, unless you desire to live in a cistern of filth like THIS [see right], I don’t see any way around this one. Nasty. [PS: if you haven’t checked out A&E’s Hoarders, set your Tivo for Monday nights at 10 pm].
5. Laundry. What can I say? It. Must. Be. Done. Forever and ever, AMEN.