Yesterday was grocery shopping day. The flour and water paste I was contemplating was a viable option, but in the interest of not stunting my childrens’ growth, I fled to the store for something with a bit more color. And taste.
However, the thing with grocery shopping, I’ve discovered, is that the unpacking not only exposes your bare cupboards, it also exposes your empty…and dirty…and disgusting…refrigerator. Or at least, I’ve heard this from sloppy housekeepers I know.
Well, OK. I’ll admit it. I’m the sloppy housekeeper that I know. I got home with all my gorgeous vegetables and vibrant fruits and they just looked so lovely in their reusable canvas shopping bags that I just couldn’t toss them into a slimy or rather, “unkempt” fridge. So I went to work.
I got out my Hasmat outfit and rubber gloves.
I removed the shelves and deposited them into the sink bubbling to life with hot suds.
I tossed wilted herbs and squishy celery.
I opened–and smelled–mysterious Tupperware containers of…airplane-food-after-seven-days-in-a-deserted-car-in-Arizona-in-July.
And last but not least, I tackled the interior door and its contents: the condiments. Just look at all the crap I pulled out of our door.
OK. I admit it. I have failed in my mission to manage our home. And you, dear reader, get to bask in my “oversights” as I give you a photo-tour of some of the treasures I found. Let’s examine:
Exhibit A: Thai Premium Fish Sauce. Don’t let the title of “Premium” fool you into thinking that it is anything less than putrid and overtly offensive. Did you SEE the episode of The Office when Dwight hid a fish in Michael’s air vents? Need I say more? I tried–really I did–to dump this out so that I could recycle the glass bottle, but holy fish sauce. I couldn’t get the top off and the slow drip of fish brains was just too much. Forgive me. I had to throw it away. [Don’t start with me–I’m already doing penance].
Exhibit B: Ragu + two or three months? The mold on the lid resembles the huge worm in Dune. I didn’t dare to touch it. The Yellowstone Hot Springs in the jar? Yeah. Let’s just move on. It’s like spaghetti sauce with leprosy.
Exhibit C: What? You don’t think this looks like cottage cheese? Well let me tell you about its fragrance. My “small curd” cottage cheese was more like “large turd.” In a bucket. With sauce. Of course I have to tell you–I’ve encountered said “large turd” before, sadly.
Exhibit D: Innocuous looking, right? Until I tell you that I bought this on a vacation to Florida in 2003. When I was pregnant with our second child. Six years, four months, and roughly twenty days ago. Is there an expiration on Burn Relief Gel?
Exhibit E: Sad Day. Note two things: this expired on January 25, 2009 [whoops–missed that by 7 months], and I never opened it! Bad Jane! I hate to waste, and this was just pure waste. But, I didn’t want to take a chance that “all natural” horseradish would be good yet today. No need to start growing hair on my chest at my age.
So there you have it, friends! A tour of my folly! I will tip my hat off–to myself–however, for the new and improved interior of our fridge. The work was worth it–I have a whole extra compartment in my door now, mold and stink free 🙂